BILLINGS - Since I have been back at home a week, I have thought many times about the past, present and future of being Estonian. I know that sounds very philosophical and "deep", but such it is. Lääneranniku Eesti Päevad in Vancouver made me muse over my own past, present and future, as well as that of my daughter Erika.

Growing up in Toronto, we really had a wonderful time with lots of friends, endless number of activities and many older Estonians to pass on the heritage and culture. I remember being 10 years old at Toronto Ülemaailmsed Eesti Päevad - the first Esto - in 1972, where I took part in sports, folk dance, gymnastics and who knows what else. It was really magical, looking back on it now: the parade down Yonge St. to City Hall holding a sign saying, "Russia! Get out of Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania" and the Valguspidu at the CNE stadium were highlights for me. Running around with friends, going to places with crowds of Estonians and practices with the anticipation of performing or competing. That was exciting!

The next Esto Days in Baltimore in 1976 were fantastic, too. Being 14 years old then, on a bus trip with Kungla Rahvatantsijad and staying in Towson University dormitories was an experience. There I made friends with people I still am in contact with from the United States. The Valguspidu again is a memorable highlight because during the performance it started to rain and I mean a real downpour. No one ran for cover, we kept on dancing and laughing, really enjoying ourselves.

The second Toronto Esto Days in 1984 were different for me. By this time I was 22 years old and had been going to university in Vancouver. I folk danced with the Vancouver group and took part in some sports events, but I felt disconnected somewhat from Toronto. Growing up in Toronto really was fantastic in the 1970's (boy, does that sound old!). We had a lot of esto friends, activities, connections, I mean it was an entire lifestyle: a sub-culture within a major culture.

These days I get rather sentimental thinking about those days and in the last week I have brought out my old photo albums. Erika and I have looked at the pictures of me wearing the folk costume that she wore a couple weeks ago in Vancouver. I see that she realizes I had a life before Montana and she wants to go visit the places that were important to me like Peetri Kirik, Jõekääru, the Eesti Maja and our cottage at Royal Beach on Lake Simcoe. In the picture there are lots of kids and smiling, happy faces doing fun things. And really what the common thread and what brought us together was the Estonian heritage. Since there are so few Estonians left in the world (maybe 1 million speakers?), it truly makes us very rare and unique.

I have been out here in Montana for 11 years now and have never met an Estonian here. (And I have been looking!) In the first 6 years my only contact was with the yearly trip to Vancouver to see my parents. My last trip to Toronto was in 1998 when my grandmother passed away. She was my link and inspiration to keep up with Estonian language and culture. I sort of drifted away for a 10 year time period, but not totally.

A lot of people drift away and some never return to their heritage, but I really started missing the Estonian camaraderie the older Erika became. So by going to LEP, it reinforced my past and brought the present back into my daily thoughts. The future is now what I have to begin to plan.

While at LEP, there were many past friends who I caught up with. To name a few.... Christian Grabbi from Washington D.C. who I met at Baltimore 1976, Valdek Parik from San Francisco who I met in 1985 at Portland LEP and friends from Toronto - Martin Pede, Ava Kiilaspea and Tiina Toop who I have known my entire life! The common thread is rahvatants with these friendships: we all did it at one time or another in our lives. Then to see my daughter Erika at 8 years old, learning the folkdance in Estonian (she speaks 10 words of Estonian!) and performing in front of a crowd. Wow! That hit home in my heart of what I have been missing all these years. I realize you can't get back to the 1970s power of Estonian culture (especially out here in Montana), but I can make more effort to expose her to the language, traditions, and history and take her to the next LEP in Los Angeles in 2007!

So today I finally put away our rahvariided and have promised to "alter" mine so they are comfortable for 2007. Got my esto schoolbooks out and the picture books of Estos '72, '76, and '84, plus put out some of my grandmother's Estonian dolls and knick-knacks around the house. I feel if the culture is around us and easily accessible, it will make more of an impact. (My husband Jeff doesn't know what to think, except we are going to Los Angeles and Disneyland in 2007 and hopefully Toronto and Jõekääru next summer!) I even thought about getting my old "Külapoisid" and other esto records out. It was great hearing the old traditional esto songs at LEP and hearing the new esto music of Meie Mees.

When I got my degree in Cultural Anthropology and Sociology twenty years ago, my family said what kind of job can you get? My response was always- I don't know, but I know there is something. Well, I have been a social worker, high school teacher, human resources manager, tennis coach and US Census Bureau statistician, but most important of all, I have been an observer, participant and preserver of Estonian culture, which is the main emphasis of cultural anthropology.

So my final thought is, I miss the good old days but am looking forward to doing my small part in keeping the Estonian heritage going, keeping it front and center so that future generations do not forget about our struggle as a unique and rare people.

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